Stone by stone

Stone by stone

I have a wall you cannot see

Because it’s deep inside of me.

It blocks my heart on every side

And helps emotion there to hide.

You can’t reach in,

I can’t reach out,

You wonder what it’s all about.

The wall I built that you can’t see

Results from insecurity.

Each time my tender heart was hurt

The scars within grew worse and worse.

So stone by stone,

I built a wall,

That’s now so thick it will not fall.

Please understand that it’s not you –

Continue trying to break through.

I want so much to show myself

And love from you will really help.

So bit by bit,

Chip at my wall,

Till stone by stone it starts to fall.

I know the process will be slow –

It’s never easy to let go

Of hurts and failures long ingrained,

Upon one’s heart from years of pain.

I’m so afraid

To let you in;

I know I might get hurt again.

I try so hard to break the wall,

But seem to get nowhere at all.

For stone upon stone I’ve stacked,

And left between them not a crack.

The only way

To make it fall is imperfections in the wall.

I did my best I could to build

A perfect wall, but there are still

A few small flaws, which are the key

To breaking through the wall to me.

Please use each flaw

To cause a crack

To knock a stone off of the stack.

For just as stone by stone was laid

With every hurt and every pain,

So stone by stone the wall will break

As love replaces every ache.

Please be the one

Who cares enough

To find the flaws, no matter how.

Rachel Bentley

Continuation

For the past few days/weeks, I’ve been sharing a hall with a friend of mine. She’s also generous in that sense that if it doesn’t bother her, she won’t mind. And because of this, I got to experience this one in a life-time experience (seeing that I am not gonna migrate) of staying entirely on my own. No help in washing of clothes, settling of meals etc. I do feel more liberated in a way where I do not need to explain to my parents about my whereabouts in the middle of the night. Not that I’m going anywhere dangerous but I just don’t want them to fuss over these nitty outings. I stayed up as late as I want to and eat as much junk as I want to. Of course, not forgetting that I’m expanding horizontally as a side effect.

I.need.an.exercise.regime.

A conclusion of my stay. I did learnt a lot from this experience. I’ll skip the cliche part where it helps me to be more independent yada yada. My stay here made me understand my friends better. Though I’ve seen some for a semester now but I realize that being in the hall bonded us better. All the HTHT and other acro-names which I’ve yet to master and the gossip that I’ll never unearth if I’m not staying here. All these enriches my life. Top it all, I miss my parents. I’ve been to quite a number of overseas trip and I was never home-sick at all but just staying at a place not 30mins away from my house made me really home-sick. The mahjong session, our funny arguments and teasing, seeing them laugh. I miss those a lot and nothing is gonna made me exchange those again.

Well, back to the hall part. See those 2 pictures on top? I googled them and sadly, the hall room I’m staying is a far cry from them .LOL! Not that I’m complaining but usually, when I post something, I would post googled photos and when I goggled “living in hostel”, they gave these incredible photos!!! Not a true representation of where I’m staying. Haha.

A long time since I last posted. I’ve a lot to say but I just don’t know where to begin. Frankly speaking, I’m ashame of myself for not locking memories into words at least fortnightly and now, there are too much to type here. The above picture does represents me. One night and one day perhaps. I realize that I can be so different when the sun rises and sets, when the crowds gather and disperse. So different. As I’ve mention, I’ve join in the YEP for Sikkim and is a SLC committee but I don’t think I’ve put my heart and soul in it yet. I remembered wanting them so badly but now, I don’t feel a thing. I guess I really lacks the self-discipline to do things that are important and I find myself constantly living in denial that things need to be done. I need to get out of that system. Which brings about the next point. Results.

Yes, I know. Not related at all but it just pops out into my mind while I was typing. The results for this semester was reasonably good I must say. An average of Bs but not too good as compared to the others. I’m not particularly disappointed as I didn’t put in as much effort as the rest but I do feel that I should start my engines now cause the exams are coming. I realize that I should start to write you as Y-O-U and NOT U!! I wrote the freaking ‘u’ twice in an English assignment and needless to say, I was being penalized pretty heavily for that. I was more than disappointed. This goes to show that I didn’t even bother to check my work once I’ve completed. Math surprised me as usual. I thought I was going to flunk the paper but my worries were unfounded. Hence, from now on, I’m gonna put in my 101% in what I’m going. its gonna be tough but I’m gonna submit my reports for review hopefully weekly. =)

Btw, I’m learning piano now and it’s been such fun! I really hope to do well and never stop learning new stuffs.

All out.

The above three pictures are a true indication of my situation right now. Been to meranti last weekend and I learnt quite a bit of things. It is often surprising how one never associate negative events to the ones you know. It was really an eye-opener for me when my friends told their not-so-fantastic past to the group. It made me look at them in a different light. The experiences they went through.. Some were tougher than mine whereas for others, they do not feel the need to share that much. I shared mine of course and I teared halfway through. It was really difficult but I managed to pull through. After talking to them and them hearing it, I feel better. Like I’m not hiding something anymore. There is other to hid as every event that hurts me were all out. I really felt refreshed.

I came to terms with myself. It’s how I think of me. After listening to my stories, they gave me tons of encouragement to pick up the pieces and move on. As a group, we moved on together. Sharing by experienced teachers helped as well. I learnt to see things in a different light and not be fussy about everything. I got a rude shock when I discovered that teachers are not exposed to the working world outside at all. Teachers are quite well-protected in the sense where we try to understand each other’s feelings. However, it is different outside. Had a talk with Gannie and she made me realise that we are not be able to adapt to the working lifestyle outside the govt system. Really should buck up now and stop complaining on the little things I have.

This year is gonna be quite an eventful year. I made it into the SLC committee whereby we’ll be planning trips to overseas for CIP.. In addition, there will be fund raising and lots of planning to be done. During the holidays, I’m gonna implement a one club per week policy and enjoy myself to the maximum before facing the reality when July comes. This includes my trip to Pertajaya to visit my cousin and of cause, 1U and sunway. =)

Nagging up!

Today was really a headache. I was randomly picked as the class rep of an english module and had a real naggy teacher whom just cant stop talking. And the weird thing is he looks like Mr Lim! One of my secondary math teacher. However, this teacher doesn’t know how to command attention although he taught in school for 5 years, to me, he didn’t really know how to teach. I mean, which teacher comes in and say that he is still studying and that he doesn;t know how to answer some of the questions himself? Even if its true, he can’t say it to the students. Might as well just tell the principal that he doesn’t know how to do P6 math.. I really don’t understand his rationale of doing so. And I’ve to endure this with the usual math class… Lucky he is quiet today. Zzz

This semester has its good and bad but mostly bad. Had really bad classmates and tutors and I’m really worried about my last semester’s results. What if I totally screwed up the papers and have to retake them next semester on top of my current ones? What if I’m disappointed again due to not meeting my expectations? I’m really hanging by my neck now. =s

Sch-boo-ol.

School started yesterday officially. My new timetable is good considering the fact that I have fridays off (FINALLY!!) and a almost insignificant lesson on my weds. It was a smooth monday I must say. Not much of being lost but I do feel a little uncomfortable due to the change in classroom setting and people. Just need to get use of that.

Only two days passed and I feel heavy on my shoulders already. The need to be detailed and precise in our work was brought up by almost every tutor I met. Doesn’t make me look forward to the rest of the courses already. Of course, there are also a few tutors that doesn’t meet the class’s expectation as well. Music is one of them for this sem.

I googled for this for quite sometime. Just imagine this is a lady and she teaches music! Not that I judge people by its cover but her double chins are way too obvious and it makes me really self-conscious whenever I looked at her! Her 1st impression to me was that she really don’t know how to dress and she thinks that she is STILL young! she flirted with the guys in class overtly and sometimes whine and talks about herself when no one is clearly interested. She doesn’t know what she was teaching and most of the time, I felt disengaged from the entire lesson. Maybe I had a really good tutor last sem that I compared her with him and she really have a big shoe to fill in and she didn’t even know that! I know I didn’t pay for the school fees what things couldn’t be any worse than this right? Needless to say, I went home. Disheartened.

Today wasn’t any better as well. It was a full math day for me considering I had 4 hours of math lesson. Back to back, and when I realise that there is a megaphoneguy in my class, I totally flipped. Either he thinks that he is really charming and expects a lot of attention or he is just too thick skin or he just likes to touch girls and the list just goes on and on! He is just damn screwed up annoying and just talks as he pleases without even knowing that he is bothering almost everyone with his megaphone voice! Why do I have this kind off classmates in class. Without him, my world is perfect. At least for the 2nd day. Now, I have to see him for 3 hours everyweek!! Kill me!

Late night

The past 3 weeks has been a real rush for me. My cousin came to singapore and gave me only 3 days of notice. During the 2 to 3 weeks, we (my brother and I) took her out to various shopping spots and chat till midnight and stuff. Somehow, after getting to know her and understanding her better made me re-discover myself as an individual. We were very open to one another and really had tons of fun during these journey.

I went over to malaysia for the new year. Although I didn’t get to celebrate with my usual kakis, I’m still glad that I join over. We had even more heart to heart to heart talks and get to understand some situations better. The experience is just beyond what I can describe in words.

Now, in 2011, my (late) resolution for this year would be to enjoy the most I’ve got and don’t let anything thing get into me. Pretty tough considering what I’ve gone through last year be it in academic or friendship. I need to stop thinking too much and just focus on what I have to do. I’ll be running for my 10km this year and this is my 1st time actually running after so many years. I really hope to complete the journey by this year..

After…

Its been a while since the last day of my NIE paper. Couldn’t feel happy at all as I seems to lose my sense of directions for awhile. Been to various birthday parties where I find myself not enjoying. Couldn’t pin point the reason as well. Anyway, bought quite a bit of things within this 3 days. Spent around 200bucks on shopping only and I have yet to take into consideration the amount I gave to my mum. History is going to repeat itself at the end of the month where I have to stay at home everyday. =S

On a lighter note, my cousin is coming to spore after her exams on friday. I’m so excited! But I’m really worried as I might not turn out to be a good host. Was talking to her yesterday via skype and she asked me what other things are there in singapore. Wanted to bring her out to clubs but I doubt she is that kind of girl. Her image of clubs are those community centers. I sense a big cultural gap but nonetheless, I’m going to do my best! Might be going malaysia this coming year end just to look around there. So excited for the upcoming week! =D

Friends

Friends.

I wonder why some of them act like total bitches at times. Not that I want to undermine ladies but there are just this group of ladies who doesn’t know the meaning of treating others the way you want to be treated. Despite entering into university through poly, it certainly surprised me that none of you people improved cognitively. She just just be a poly mate to you who doesn’t seems to speak much and yet are more resourceful and prettier than you people but she is also someone’s treasured friend and daughter. She isn’t some pathetic soul who needs all of your company!

I really feel for her. Why is it that she must encounter these kinda 3D sponge? This is the kind of people that I just detest most. Adsorb everything you said yet when you want a second opinion, you literally need to squeeze it out of them. If I identified you in the first place, I’ll make sure that you are as dry as can be before squashing you into crumbs!

Enough said! I guess I’m just directing my stress onto something else and I shouldn’t be doing so as I still have things to do. Last 2 exams on thurs and I’m officially free for this year. It doesn’t look quite bad but I hope that my results will not end my year on a low note. =s

Math

Seriously, I don’t understand what in the world is wrong. After a math test, I would feel that I’ve done my best in doing the work and doubly checked it BUT the results just does not show! I am always a few marks to hit that full mark and yet, I’m consistently penalized by non-mathematical errors. I just want that freaking full mark!

 

Doesn’t really help when the tests are over. Now, just focus on music and english.

The wedding

I just attended my friend’s wedding ceremony. To me, it was a really sweet affair. Mainly is due to the fact that I was close to her and to see her getting married was just sweet. Another factor could be that she showed their journey together as a couple and the amount of effort she put in to make this a success. On top of her daily workload and deadlines to be met, she can still fine time to prepare herself for all these… Really, its a sweet affair.

It got me thinking. Why do couples divorce? I meant couples who have been together for quite a while. Have they forgotten how they met and fell in love? Their effort to prepare themselves for the wedding? The joy they shared while taking photos together and all? I just feel sad that those couples forgot all these little stuffs easily and throughout the entire ceremony, I prayed that they will fall under those whom forgets. I’m really looking forward to weddings nowadays as I get to see what they are like other than just being them. =)

 

 

Congrats Shiting. ❤